It probably comes as no surprise but it is helpful to confirm that couples with more marital satisfaction have lower blood pressure. This was reported in a March 21, 2008, Associated Press story in the Arizona Star entitled Study Links Marriage Stress, Risk of Hypertension. See the entire article at http://www.azstarnet.com/news/230681 The article discusses a study by Julianne Holt-Lunstad, an assistant psychology professor at Brigham Young University. Her study was reported online Thursday by the Annals of Behavioral Medicine. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/29/08
Divorce Lessons I Have Learned
After more than 35 years of working with people who are getting divorced, it is not surprising that I have learned a lot about divorce and the people who are getting a divorce. I have come to believe that it should be harder to marry and easier to divorce. There should be more premarital counseling. Premarital counseling will be the subject of a future blog. It is harder to get a drivers license than a marriage license. Perhaps premarital counseling should be required before a couple could get married. It would help if a couple at least considered if did not agree on issues of finances, employment, children, sex, social life, and many other areas before they got married. We have not done any premarital mediation but it might be helpful.
I have also learned that the things which you think are the cause of the break up may actually be a failed effort to save the marriage. I very often see couples who just had a child or just bought a house and are now getting divorced. At first I thought the new child or house caused the divorce but have come to understand, the new child or house was actually and effort to save a failing marriage. When the new child or new house did not save the marriage, the couple gets divorced.Some couples are better able to live together without being married than living together married. For some couples the dynamics of their relationship changes when they get married. I don’t know if they feel they don’t have to try as hard or there is no easy escape. I have seen numerous couples who have lived together for years and then get divorced after a short marriage. Perhaps this is another example of an effort to save a failing relationship.The things which attracted you will eventually drive you crazy. For example, a woman likes a man who when they are dating takes charge. He picks the restaurants, the movies and other items. After they get married, the woman feels this is controlling.Often when a couple comes to me and one spouse wants the divorce and the other spouse does not want the divorce, I ask the spouse that does not want the divorce, “Do you want to be married to your spouse or do you want to just be married because you don’t want to be alone?” More often than not the person just wants to be married. This realization usually helps both parties. The evidence for this proposition, is that the person who does not want to get divorced is usually the party who remarries first.As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/27/08
Beatle Divorce II
Some times a picture says it all but if not see the entire article and the drawing by Priscilla Coleman from in March 24, 2008 New York Times at the following link: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/24/business/media/24heather.html?ex=1364011200&en=caefced5c4a998df&ei=5124&partner=permalink&exprod=permalink As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/25/08
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Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role – In the News
Very often when I am doing a divorce mediation, I ask myself, “Why did this couple ever get married? They were always incompatible.” I sometimes even ask the couple why. I remember a client saying that she knew it was mistake from the beginning but the other person was persistent or he was embarrassed not to get married. The March 17, 2008, article in the Arizona Star by Stephanie Innes entitled “Rabbi Casts Wide Net in Matchmaker Role”reminded me of the question of incompatible couples. See the entire article at http://www.azstarnet.com/sn/mailstory-clickthru/229978.php The article discusses Rabbi Robert Eisen of the Conservative Congregation Anshei Israel who is offering his congregants free subscriptions to JDate — an Internet dating service for Jewish singles. He’s tapping into his own bank account to fund the endeavor. He says, “We’re a fractured society. I want to encourage people to take a look at the big picture and give them a chance to meet people with the same values, same approach to life.” Eisen is a proponent of marriages between two people of the same religion, saying they have a much lower divorce rate than couples who marry outside their faith. “Marriage is hard enough. If you start with a common vocabulary and values, it’s easier to maintain that marriage,” Eisen said. “It’s the Jewish mother coming out in me.” One of the things Rabbi Eisen is promoting is more compatible marriages and thus fewer divorces. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located below the directions. WM 3/23/08
Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms
When I mediate I often use a proverb or aphorism. In particular, I use one, my father always used when my sister and I were fighting over the last piece of cake. My father use to say, “One shall divide and the other shall choose.” I never thought till now, where my father’s words came from and it is too late to ask him. However, I did check the internet and found it came from James Harrington (January 3, 1611-September 11, 1677) who was an English political theorist of classical republicanism who is best known for his controversial work, “The Commonwealth of Oceana.” I was surprised that the actual quote dealt with cake! It reads as follows:
” For example, two of them have a cake yet undivided which was given between them that each of them therefore may have that which is due. ‘Divide,’ says one to the other, ‘and I will choose, or let me divide, and you shall choose.’ If this be but once agreed upon, it is enough, for the divider dividing unequally loses in regard that the other takes the better half. Wherefore, she divides equally and so both have right.” This has lead me to put together the following list of other useful proverbs and aphorisms, some of which I found at http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/proverbs.html. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website or participate in our Presidential poll located at the below the directions. List any proverbs or aphorisms you think I left off my list. WM 3/21/08
Divorce Proverbs and Aphorisms
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
A leopard cannot change its spots
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing
Actions speak louder than words
All good things come to he who waitsAll that glitters is not gold
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
As you sow so shall you reap
Ask no questions and hear no lies
Barking dogs seldom bite
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
Fairness is in the eye of the beholder
Beggars can’t be choosers
Better late than never
Better safe than sorry
Better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t
Charity begins at home
Comparisons are odious
Count you blessings
Discretion is the better part of valor
Do as you would be done by
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you
Don’t burn your bridges behind you
Don’t count your chickens before they are hatched
Don’t cross the bridge till you come to it
Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth Don’t make unimportant things important
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
Don’t rock the boat Don’t run when they’re not chasing you.
Don’t try to walk before you can crawl
Don’t upset the apple-cart
Doubt is the beginning not the end of wisdom
Easy come, easy go
Enough is as good as a feast
Enough is enough
Every dark cloud has a silver lining
Every dog has his day
Every man has his price
Every stick has two ends
Failing to plan is planning to fail
Familiarity breeds contempt
Finders keepers, losers weepers
First things first
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread
Forewarned is forearmed
Fortune favors the brave
God helps those who help themselves
Good fences make good neighbors
Good things come to those who wait
Great minds think alike
Half a loaf is better than no bread
Hard work never did anyone any harm
Haste makes waste
He who hesitates is lost
He who laughs last laughs longest
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
He who pays the piper calls the tune
Hindsight is always twenty-twenty
History repeats itself
If God had meant us to fly he’d have given us wings
If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well
If at first you don’t succeed try, try and try again
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade
If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain
If wishes were horses beggars would ride
If you can’t be good, be careful.
If you can’t beat em, join em
If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king
Into every life a little rain must fall
It goes without saying
It never rains but it pours
It takes a thief to catch a thief
It takes one to know one
It’s better to give than to receive
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness
It’s never too late
It’s no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted
It’s not worth crying over spilt milk
It’s the early bird that gets the worm
It’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease
Keep your powder dry
Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and, you weep alone
Laughter is the best medicine
Let bygones be bygones
Let not the sun go down on your wrath
Let sleeping dogs lie
Let the punishment fit the crime
Life begins at forty
Life is what you make it
Lightening never strikes twice in the same place
Live for today for tomorrow never comes
Look before you leap
Love is blind
Make love not war
Man does not live by bread alone
Marry in haste, repent at leisure
Mighty oaks from little acorns grow
Misery loves company
Money doesn’t grow on trees
Money makes the world go round
Money talks
Nature abhors a vacuum
Necessity is the mother of invention
Never judge a book by its cover
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today
No man is an island
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent
No rest for the wicked
Nothing is certain but death and taxes
Oil and water don’t mix
One good turn deserves another
Opportunity only knocks once
Out of sight, out of mind
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
Possession is nine tenths of the law
Practice makes perfect
Pride comes before a fall
Procrastination is the thief of time
Put your best foot forward
Rome wasn’t built in a day
Spare the rod and spoil the child
Talk is cheap
That which does not kill us makes us stronger
The cobbler always wears the worst shoes
The darkest hour is just before the dawn
The early bird catches the worm
The ends justify the means
The means are more important than the end
The exception which proves the rule
The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
The longest journey starts with a single step
The more things change, the more they stay the same
The proof of the pudding is in the eating
The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
There are none so blind as those, that will not see
There but for the grace of God go I
There’s always more fish in the sea
There’s more than one way to skin a cat
There’s no place like home
There’s no smoke without fire
There’s no such thing as a free lunch
There’s no time like the present
There’s none so deaf as they that will not hear
Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it
Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas
Time and tide wait for no man
Time is a great healer
To err is human, to forgive divine
Too many cooks spoil the broth
Truth is stranger than fiction
Two heads are better then one
Two wrongs don’t make a rightWe are often saved by the craziness of others
Where there’s a will there’s a way
Worrying never did anyone any good
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink
You can’t get blood out of a stone
You can’t make a silk purse from a sow’s ear
You can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks
You can’t tell a book by looking at its cover
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Beatle Divorce Costs McCartney $48.7 Million – In the News
As a Beatle fan, I was curious and sad to read about Paul McCartney’s divorce. See Reuters article published on March 17, 2008 entitled “McCartney Divorce Costs Beatle $48.7 Million at http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSL178643720080317?feedType=RSS&feedName=topNews or at http://www.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUSL178643720080317?rpc=28. The amount of the settlement seems very high for a short term marriage but perhaps as a percentage of his total worth of $800 million perhaps it is small. We often read about these high profile divorces but rarely read about high profile meditations. I am not sure it is because there are not many high profile divorce mediations or high profile couples choose mediation because it is more confidential and we don’t hear about the results. It is unfortunate that more people don’t read about mediation as an option. If more people read about mediation as an option to divorce, I believe more people would choose it. As always, you can post a comment about this blog, Divorce Mediation, or Tucson Arizona by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 3/19/08
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