The New York Times had an article last year by Virginia Hughes entitled “Want to Change Minds?  Consider Talking it Out.”  You can read the article at https://www.nytimes.com/2022/09/16/science/group-consensus-persuasion-brain-alignment.html?smid=url-share.  Ms. Hughes discusses a study done by Dr. Beau Sievers of Dartmouth College to improve the understanding of how exactly a group of people achieves a consensus and how each person;s brain changes after such discussion

The article went on to say:

 “The experiment also underscored a dynamic familiar to anyone who has been steamrollered in a work meeting: An individual’s behavior can drastically influence a group decision. Some of the volunteers tried to persuade their group mates of a cinematic interpretation with bluster, by barking orders and talking over their peers. But others — particularly those who were central players in the students’ real-life social networks — acted as mediators, reading the room and trying to find common ground.

The groups with blowhards were less neurally aligned than were those with mediators, the study found. Perhaps more surprising, the mediators drove consensus not by pushing their own interpretations, but by encouraging others to take the stage and then adjusting their own beliefs — and brain patterns — to match the group.

Being willing to change your own mind, then, seems key to getting everyone on the same page.”

We don’t have a larger group and don’t use brain scanners but as mediators we do try to find common ground and encourage couples to be willing to change their mind.  We certainly have couples “talk it out.”  Perhaps this is one of many reasons why mediation works.

Learn more about mediation athttps://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (401) 1/23/23

This is our 400th blog posting.  We started on August 5, 2009.

As of January 1, 2023 Arizona has instituted a new way to get a divorce.  It is called a Summary Consent Decree. See A.R.S. 25-314-01.  Summary Consent Decree is a process that was designed for cases in which the parties have reached a full settlement before even filing anything with the court. It is an excellent procedure for divorcing couples who want things to be as quick, easy, and amicable as possible. The initial filing of the Petition serves as both the Petition and Response as well as a waiver of service of process. The filing fee for the summary consent decree is fifty percent of the combined filing fee for a petition and answer, together with any additional filing fees assessed by the county. Both parties file the papers with the Court together. After the statutory waiting period of 60 days has ended, and assuming all of the documents are in order, the judge will sign the decree, file it with the clerk of court, and the divorce will become final.

You can use this process if you meet the following criteria:

• Both spouses want to get a divorce, AND,
• ✓  Both spouses agree to ALL the terms of the divorce and will work together to complete, sign and file the necessary papers, AND,
• ✓  You DO NOT have a “covenant” marriage, (these papers will not work for a covenant marriage) AND,
• ✓  Either spouse has lived in Arizona at least 90 days before you file the forms; or either spouse is a member of the armed forces and has been stationed in Arizona at least 90 days before you file AND,
• ✓  If they have minor children, they have resided in Arizona at least six months before they file the forms, AND,
• ✓  They believe that their marriage is irretrievably broken  AND,
• ✓  Either spouse has tried to resolve your marital problems through Conciliation Services, or there is no point in trying to resolve their marital problems.

Learn more about mediation at https://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (400) 12/15/22

A recent article in Fortune at https://fortune.com/2022/09/29/how-much-does-divorce-cost-expenses-inflation/amp/  by Kaitlyn Koterbski discussed the high cost of divorce. She says that according to a survey by Bankrate the average cost of a divorce is $15,000.  She goes on to quote Sara Stolberg who says “with inflation restricting budgets and depleting saving accounts across the country, more couples are now choosing to settle outside of court through a mediator to save money.”  We have found that couples can save a considerable amount of money with better results by using mediation.  In addition, mediation is less stressful, more efficient and  is better for the couple’s children. Learn more about mediation at https://www.center-divorce-mediation.comCDM (399) 11/15/22

The abilene paradox was recently called to my attention. “In the Abilene paradox, a group of people collectively decide on a course of action that is counter to the preferences of many or all of the individuals in the group. It involves a common breakdown of group communication in which each member mistakenly believes that their own preferences are counter to the group’s and, therefore, does not raise objections, or even states support for an outcome they do not want. A common phrase relating to the Abilene paradox is a desire to not “rock the boat”.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abilene_paradox

“The term was introduced by management expert Jerry B. Harvey in his 1974 article “The Abilene Paradox: The Management of Agreement”.The name of the phenomenon comes from an anecdote that Harvey uses in the article to elucidate the paradox:

On a hot afternoon visiting in Coleman, Texas, the family is comfortably playing dominoes on a porch, until the father-in-law suggests that they take a 50-mile trip to Abilene for dinner. The wife says, “Sounds like a great idea.” The husband, despite having reservations because the drive is long and hot, thinks that his preferences must be out-of-step with the group and says, “Sounds good to me. I just hope your mother wants to go.” The mother-in-law then says, “Of course I want to go. I haven’t been to Abilene in a long time.”

The drive is hot, dusty, and long. When they arrive at the cafeteria, the food is as bad as the drive. They arrive back home four hours later, exhausted.

One of them dishonestly says, “It was a great trip, wasn’t it?” The mother-in-law says that, actually, she would rather have stayed home, but went along since the other three were so enthusiastic. The husband says, “I wasn’t delighted to be doing what we were doing. I only went to satisfy the rest of you.” The wife says, “I just went along to keep you happy. I would have had to be crazy to want to go out in the heat like that.” The father-in-law then says that he only suggested it because he thought the others might be bored.

The group sits back, perplexed that they together decided to take a trip which none of them wanted. They each would have preferred to sit comfortably, but did not admit to it when they still had time to enjoy the afternoon.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abilene_paradox

I have seen this happen occasionally in mediation when a couple agrees to something neither wants because they think the other person wants it. It is important that a person says what they want and why.

Learn more about mediation at https://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (398) 10/15/22

SPOILER ALERT We have enjoyed watching The Split,  a British legal drama television series which follows the lives of the Defoe family, who all work in divorce law for the family firm. Hannah, the eldest sister, is married to Nathan. They have three children. They are both lawyers and are getting divorced. Nathan is planning to marry Kate.   In the finale of the final season Hannah visits Kate informing her that she is ready to accept her in their family. Hannah and Nathan decide to go through the divorce amiably, without the presence of lawyers, dividing the assets between the two. Kate bonds with Nathan’s children. They did this even without mediation! It is a show worth watching.

Learn more about mediation at https://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (397) 9/15/22

I enjoy reading Tom Margenau’s column in the Sunday Arizona Star about Social Security.  On July 12, 2022 he did a excellent and helpful column on benefits for divorced women. The format is answers to questions posed by readers. He discusses the 10 year marriage requirement to be eligible for social security based on a spouse’s earnings, That you need to be divorced to get benefits based on youR spouse and when you can garnish a spouse’s social security. For more details see his column at https://arizonadailystar-az-app.newsmemory.com/?publink=039d33a79_1348551 Learn more about mediation at https://www.center-divorce-mediation.com CDM (396) 8/15/22