This comes under the category of questions I am asked. I am often asked why I became a mediator. People say it is difficult or very emotional to work with people who are getting divorced. Why would you want to work with people getting a divorce? I became an attorney because I wanted to go into politics and not because I wanted to practice law. For years I was in a general law practice. I was spread too thin and did little which I took pride in or gave me professional satisfaction. When clients had great cases, they took them to a specialist. I had done a divorce mediation case referred to me by a friend, Dr. Donald Cohen. His father and Lenard Marlow did divorce mediation in New York and needed a Connecticut attorney to finish the case. Later, when my Wife asked me what I would like to specialize in, I said that I had enjoyed doing the divorce mediation. She suggested I pursue it. I trained with Zena Zumeta and Carl Schneider and started getting more cases. I helped found an organization of divorce mediators in Connecticut, the Connecticut Council for Divorce Mediation, and worked to help change the culture of divorce. I continue to do all these things and more. I found that divorce mediation fit my personality. I was a better mediator than I was an attorney. I saw both sides of issues and did not have to advocate a position I did not agree with. I also became a father during the early days of my mediation career. As a parent and an attorney/mediator, I found I did not like being part of an adversary process which destroyed children. I also found that I was helping people. My clients came out of the divorce better than they came in. They left the baggage of a bad marriage behind and were better able to communicate with the ex-spouse. They were better able to parent their children. They were able to move on. Helping them was very satisfying. There was also self selection in the client population. The people who chose mediation were not as angry and were more willing to work out an amicable divorce settlement. They were problem solvers and not negotiators. Finally, I got to meet with other mediators. My colleagues were people I liked and enjoyed spending time with. As always, let me know what you think. If you are a mediator, why you became a mediator. You can post a comment by following the directions at the right in the green column or at the bottom of this website. WM 2/10/08
Predictors of a Successful Mediation
We are often asked if a mediation will be successful. The following is a list we use which is a helpful predictor. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of you think are good predictors or your experience. Directions on how to post a comment are in the first blog comment. WM 2/9/08
POSITIVE SIGNS IN COUPLES
+ Desire for amicable post-divorce relationship.
+ Willingness to make own decisions
+ Desire for fairness.
+ Willingness to give and take.
+ Ability to regulate intense emotions
+ Children’s well-being is more important than financial results of divorce.
NEGATIVE SIGNS IN COUPLES
– Lack of trust that other person will live up to the agreement.
– Desire for revenge.
– Spousal or child abuse.
– Substance abuse.
– Only goal is to save money.
– Little concern about impact of divorce on children.
Co-mediation
Over the years we have found the balance of two mediators often makes each member of the couple feel more comfortable. We offer couples the choice of one mediator or co-mediation. Many couples prefer the balance of a male and female mediator and the added insights these trained mediators with legal and mental health backgrounds bring to the process. The greater understanding of psychological dynamics that a therapist-mediator brings to divorce mediation is very useful in overcoming blockages in the process. When custody issues exist, the input of the psychologist-mediator helps regarding children’s reactions to divorce and the potential impact of various custody arrangements on children. The modeling by mediators of a wife and husband and a father and mother help a couple. We can show how you can disagree with respect and understanding. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of Co-mediation. Directions on how to post a comment are in the green column on the right or at the bottom of this page. WM 2/8/08
Marital Mediation
We encourage couples having trouble with marital issues to use mediation to reach a legal agreement addressing those issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. The couple jointly hires us to act not as a lawyer or counselor for either, but as a mediator. During a series of meetings the couple works with us to identify their issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them, including exchange of financial information and whatever sharing of responsibility they consider best for them. Both are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help the couple strengthen their marriage by negotiating and then signing a legally enforceable contract.
Once an agreement is reached, we draft a Marital Mediation Agreement for each spouse to review with his or her legal advisor before signing. The Agreement may be enforced in various ways.
Marital Mediation works only if the couple is willing to make a good faith effort to reach agreement. There is no legal obligation to agree. Any commitment to mediation and to make the resulting agreement work comes voluntarily from the couple.
The process of negotiating and writing a legal agreement can change behavior in a couple’s relationship. Creating personal solutions enhances marital satisfaction allowing the marriage to continue. Marital Mediation also leads to a reduction in marital conflict, helping children.
We will be giving a talk at the Tucson Saguaro Rotary club on February 26, 2008. Post a comment for more details or to tell us what you think of Marital Mediation. Directions on how to post a comment are in the first blog comment. WM 2/7/08
Divorce Songs
While researching a theme song for the Divorce TV program I came up with the following list of divorce songs. Let me know what you think would be a good theme song and if you have any other suggestions. Directions on how to make a comment are contained in our first blog posting. WM 2/6/08
1. Love Stinks – J. Geils Band
2. Goodbye To You – Scandal
3. I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor
4. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
5. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover – Paul Simon
6. Hit the road jack – Ray Charles
7. You’re So Vain – Carly Simon
8. The Thrill Is Gone – B.B. King
9. Time For Me To Fly – REO Speedwagon
10. Release Me – Engelbert Humperdinck
11. Sail On – Commodores
12. Harden My Heart – Quarterflash
13. I Hate Myself For Loving You – Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
14. Whatever Will Be, Will Be (Que Sera, Sera) – Doris Day
15. Here’s A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares) – Travis Tritt
16. Jive Talkin’ – The Bee Gees
17. Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off – Harry Connick, Jr.
18. Lonesome Loser – Little River Band
19. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) – Journey
20. Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves – Aretha Franklin
21. I don’t Care About You – Fear
22. Happy Trails – Van Halen
Mediated Divorce: Focus on the Needs of Children in Desert Leaf
See our article in the January Desert Leaf. WM 2/5/08
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